Well, I've started back at work and the year that a year ago seemed so long has gone so very fast! I've started a new job where in a lovely clinic in Soho. It's reigniting my love of sexual health which is great and putting my brain back into gear which is also great but it's taking a lot of effort.
What I'm finding strange though is my different status in a new work place. My usual approach when starting new jobs (and I have started a fair few if I'm honest) is to work out who is likely to go to the pub after work and ingratiate myself with them, an approach I can't really use this time. I will admit, I feel old! Suddenly I'm the "Mum" who only works part time and has to leave at five to pick up her child from nursery. I guess I'm struggling a bit to work out where I'll fit in and I suspect it'll take longer than usual for me to feel settled. It's also taking a huge effort not to rabbit on about Jess all the time, I know how easy it would be to do so and how boring my new work mates are likely to find that. It's probably quite good for my baby ravaged brain to have to think about other topics of conversation!
Jess has started nursery but only went in for one day last week as she developed a bit of diarrhoea on Wednesday. Luckily for me but not so luckily for John she could stay at home with Daddy who was off sick for two days. I'm actually finding leaving her easier than I thought I would though. Probably helped by the fact that she seems quite happy with the whole situation. Saying that it's a bit odd and quite upsetting just dumping her in a room at nursery at eight in the morning with a few other kids and a couple of members of staff who don't actually ignore her as such but who aren't as focused on her as I would be.... She looks very small and alone as I walk off and I can't linger in case she picks up on how I'm feeling. I completely trust that once I've left she's fine which I think is probably some sort of survival mechanism kicking in as if I didn't trust she'd be fine I could never just walk away. A big part of me is looking forward to seeing how she develops away from me. I think hanging around with other children and the nursery workers who are experienced in looking after small people will be really good for her, especially with regards to getting her to go to sleep without a boob in her mouth!
One great point about starting work is being able to cycle to work. I have missed my bike and it's been a lot of fun pootling about on it again! It's another sign of how motherhood has changed me that I won't go anywhere without my helmet and I seem to be a lot happier to stop at red lights. I look at helmetless lunatics speeding through traffic lights and tut, conveniently forgetting that was exactly how I used to cycle. Gratifyingly I'm not too sore either (apart from the obligatory sore bum) which means I can't have been as unfit as I thought I was. It was a nice surprise to be able to get to the top of a stinker of a little hill behind Mount Pleasant post office on my first ride home too.
So I apologise for my rambling and slightly pointless blog post but it's been a big week for me! Hopefully I'll have some more coherent thoughts to blog about in the near future.
I found the new identity hard to assert - struggled for ages with it. It's part relief at not being expected to go out after work all the time (gets a bit boring), and part feeling old and wishing I could head pub-bound first. Mainly all good though, I've found, because I think if I still was the me before baby, then nothing would have changed - and I've loved all the changes that's come with all the meandering.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, in many ways it defines work and home life. I finish work and that's it, I go home and the cycle ride home is great because I know I'm going to see my baby at the end of it! But I feel much more of a wallflower which I'm not used to...
ReplyDeleteIt'll probably make me more professional in the long run and I actually quite like identifying myself as a mother anyway, it's uplifting!