Sleeeeep! And lack of....

Sleep is one of those really contentious issues when it comes to children and for some reason whenever strangers ask me about Jess they seem to question how well she sleeps.

With my return to work I recently became very fixated that Jess should be sleeping through the night, in her own room. You are repeatedly told that this is what should be happening and it can make you feel like a bit of a failure if your child is still waking up three or four times a night! In addition to this I am very attached to my own sleep and really hate being dragged from my nice warm bed a couple of times a night to coax a child back to sleep. Especially when said child is exhausted but is for some reason fighting against the inevitable.

I will admit that when I have put her down, crept back to bed and then heard her start crying again I have, occasionally, lost the plot completely. Even though I know that screaming at your child to go to sleep is actually the last thing that will encourage them to do so.

So, nearly on my knees with the lack of sleep and having to go to work (I know it's only three days a week but I am weak!) I decided to go for some serious sleep training. I went and looked at the "No Cry Sleep Solution" which I understand is very good, I seriously considered some form of controlled crying and weaning her at night. I know for some these measures do work but I could not deal with the idea of leaving Jess standing in her cot screaming or denying her a bit of boob when I know that's what she really wants. I did look at the NCSS but didn't think it would really fit in with the way we do things, especially when I read the bit about keeping a sleep diary, I don't want to keep a diary, I want her to sleep now!

Fortunately John demonstrated his ability to take a step back, have a think and come up with a simple solution. So now, she starts off in the cot and when she wakes up after we've gone to bed, she comes straight in with us and we all snuggle up together. His reasoning was that things are a bit weird for Jess at the moment, what with starting nursery and trying any kind of controlled crying or night weaning will make her feel even more like we're pushing her away.

So far this has been working brilliantly, she comes in, she sleeps, we all sleep. I feel far happier about getting up in the morning when I have spent the night in my own bed not sitting in Jess' room practically crying from exhaustion and Jess is sleeping for up to seven hours in a stretch not just two or three.

To be honest, I've always been a bit ambivalent about co sleeping. I don't think it's a magic cure all and, on the flip side, I don't think it's creating a rod for your own back. Everyone has to do what feels right for them. The reason I haven't really done it is because I like my space and I sleep better when I'm not worrying about rolling onto a tiny being. The tiny being is now less tiny and is much more comfortable to sleep with because of that. I still hope that if we continue what we're doing for a little while she will eventually become more comfortable with sleeping and spend longer and longer in her own cot but for now this is suiting us.

I thank my lucky stars I have a partner who can bring me back to the path and remind me how we wanted to bring our child up. Once again, the practice of following our instincts on what is best for our child has worked better than believing in the myth that children should sleep all night long on their own from a very young age!

As an aside, Jess has learnt to kiss this week! It's delightful, despite being a bit heavy on the teeth, tongue and dribble!

Interlude Over and The Real World Reasserts Itself....

Well, I've started back at work and the year that a year ago seemed so long has gone so very fast! I've started a new job where in a lovely clinic in Soho. It's reigniting my love of sexual health which is great and putting my brain back into gear which is also great but it's taking a lot of effort.

What I'm finding strange though is my different status in a new work place. My usual approach when starting new jobs (and I have started a fair few if I'm honest) is to work out who is likely to go to the pub after work and ingratiate myself with them, an approach I can't really use this time. I will admit, I feel old! Suddenly I'm the "Mum" who only works part time and has to leave at five to pick up her child from nursery. I guess I'm struggling a bit to work out where I'll fit in and I suspect it'll take longer than usual for me to feel settled. It's also taking a huge effort not to rabbit on about Jess all the time, I know how easy it would be to do so and how boring my new work mates are likely to find that. It's probably quite good for my baby ravaged brain to have to think about other topics of conversation!

Jess has started nursery but only went in for one day last week as she developed a bit of diarrhoea on Wednesday. Luckily for me but not so luckily for John she could stay at home with Daddy who was off sick for two days. I'm actually finding leaving her easier than I thought I would though. Probably helped by the fact that she seems quite happy with the whole situation. Saying that it's a bit odd and quite upsetting just dumping her in a room at nursery at eight in the morning with a few other kids and a couple of members of staff who don't actually ignore her as such but who aren't as focused on her as I would be.... She looks very small and alone as I walk off and I can't linger in case she picks up on how I'm feeling. I completely trust that once I've left she's fine which I think is probably some sort of survival mechanism kicking in as if I didn't trust she'd be fine I could never just walk away. A big part of me is looking forward to seeing how she develops away from me. I think hanging around with other children and the nursery workers who are experienced in looking after small people will be really good for her, especially with regards to getting her to go to sleep without a boob in her mouth!

One great point about starting work is being able to cycle to work. I have missed my bike and it's been a lot of fun pootling about on it again! It's another sign of how motherhood has changed me that I won't go anywhere without my helmet and I seem to be a lot happier to stop at red lights. I look at helmetless lunatics speeding through traffic lights and tut, conveniently forgetting that was exactly how I used to cycle. Gratifyingly I'm not too sore either (apart from the obligatory sore bum) which means I can't have been as unfit as I thought I was. It was a nice surprise to be able to get to the top of a stinker of a little hill behind Mount Pleasant post office on my first ride home too.

So I apologise for my rambling and slightly pointless blog post but it's been a big week for me! Hopefully I'll have some more coherent thoughts to blog about in the near future.

Day Out In East London

We had a lovely family day out today in east London which for some reason I felt the need to share!

Went first to Hackney City Farm, which wasn't that great to be honest but maybe we'll go back in baby animal season and see if it's any better!

Sleepy donkey in a field a long way away.

Huge pig

Then we went to the museum of childhood which was great fun, Jess actually slept half way round but once she woke up seemed to really enjoy it!

Sooty and Sweep with a Dogtanian puppet in the background, she's actually eyeing up the Care Bears which are out of shot (her mother's daughter!)

With some weird Japanese puppets, they were a bit scary actually....

And finally showing off my / Jess' new sling. Didymos hemp size 6 (if that means any thing to you) and dyed to my specification by the very talented Ola at Turquoise Fields. It's inspired by my distant memories of caribbean beaches and Ola named it Anegada which is very fitting. I love it, the colours make me smile so much and it's such a cushy and supportive wrap for my growing girl. I now have all the wraps I will ever need (I may have said that before but this time I think I mean it!) but I suspect none of the rest will get a look in for a while!

So all in all we had a lovely day, bit overcast but hey ho.

Where has this year gone?

I'm taking a quick break while my custard cream dough sits in the fridge and I should be taking the opportunity to do the washing up but I'm blatantly not.

Jess turns one tomorrow, this time last year I was in my second day of labour and thinking that it was worse than the first day of labour but not realising that it was still a walk in the park compared to the third day when things really got going!

I've been mulling things over in my mind for the last few days about how amazing this year has been and how quickly Jess is changing and learning. The little things she used to do like sooth herself to sleep by sucking her middle fingers which suddenly stopped without me noticing; how, before she could crawl, she would lie on her front kicking her legs and pumping her arms with such energy and frustration. I can see everything with such clarity right back to when she was born and I first saw her face and heard the wonder in John's voice as he stood behind me, the sadness I felt as, with tears running down my face, I poured formula down her throat while she was wrapped in a sheet when we were readmitted to hospital after my milk failed to come in.

She's now crawling, pulling herself up to her feet and, I think, will soon be walking on her own. She eats amazingly well and only needs me to feed her about three times a day and I suspect that is mostly for comfort but I'm happy to continue as long as she wants. She is still being carried in her ever expanding sling collection and I have no plans to get her a buggy. Maybe this has now become a point of pride for me but whatever, it's my choice. I've had too many people tell me I won't be able to carry her for ever that I seem to have taken it as a challenge. Anyway, I couldn't imagine not having her that close when we're out and about.

We seem to be in full swing of a really annoying phase where anything and everything is emptied out or pulled off shelves; the nappy bucket, the laundry basket, the cat's litter tray and water and food bowls, cds, books, laundry hanging out to dry, the bin etc etc. You name it and she'll do her best to make a mess out of it. But I get such a kick out of watching her explore and work out what she's capable off.

She's completely fearless and will happily mooch off in the pub and attempt to get behind the bar. We have started going to a music group in Stoke Newington and on our first visit she slipped off my knee and crawled out to the front to get a closer look at the proceedings while bigger children ran around her. I am so proud of my little girl and really hope she keeps this up and isn't inflicted with the crippling shyness I had as a child.

So, my gorgeous girl, happy first birthday! I'll go and get back to making your birthday goodies now!

Happy Christmas

Hope everyone has a lovely christmas and a fabulous new year!

Next year I'm going back to work so will have even less time to attend to this blog but probably more to write about as we navigate nurseries and time apart but for now I'm looking forward to our first christmas with our beautiful girl.

Christmas Dilemmas

This could be called Christmas and birthday dilemmas really given that my spectacular planning means Jess will be celebrating both of them fairly close together, but before I get stuck in I need to apologise for the lack of recent blogging, Jess has apparently turned into a little power house that no longer requires that much sleep during the day but does require 100% of my attention to stop her eating cat food, playing with the litter tray, attempting to pull piles of Cd's down on her head, aggresively pruning the peace lily or generally doing something life threatening with anything she can get her hands on. Which turns out is a lot. Just last week she discovered she's tall enough to pull things off tables and dressers so there are very few places that are safe anymore.... I have to say with the generic mother's rose tinted spectacles they hand out in the labour ward that she's generally so cute when she's attempting to destroy the flat I can't really find it that annoying either. Although she is getting harder to take to the pub given that she keeps crawling off and trying to get behind the bar. I can't think who she takes after....

Anyway back to my dilemma. As I might have mentioned in the past I am quite a controlling person. Bizarrely now I've admitted to that I feel the need to announce it more and more as it seems to excuse me of anything! In the case of Jess' first birthday and Christmas my inner control freak reared it's ugly head around the subject of presents. I've been to a couple of children's birthdays and seen what small children get for Christmas and, my god, it's a helluva lot. I did actually get quite worked up and worried about it for a while and thought of ways to stem the flow as it were. And I realise how ungrateful that makes me sound so I will try to explain myself.

Firstly, as I'm sure many of you know, I try to keep things a bit simple if I can. I know my flat is full of stuff but I don't really want to add anymore to that if possible, and anything that Jess is going to get very little or no use out of falls into the category of stuff we don't need. I've had to get quite brutal and ignore my sentimental side since having Jess or I'd be swamped.

The other side of keeping things simple is that I don't want to be responsible for stuff being manufactured and disposed off needlessly. Especially if it's plastic. And that is for this reason. I would rather be involved as little as possible with disposing of plastic goods that wind up in our oceans killing our marine life. The fact that there is a flotilla of waste plastic in the pacific ocean which (after 5 minutes googling) is anywhere between the size of Texas or the size of north America which is doing nothing other than quickly getting bigger and breaking down into smaller more dangerous particles very slowly. The fate of albatrosses who eat this plastic and die is very visible and a tragedy but as the plastic gets smaller and into more of the marine Eco system the real tragedy will begin and it will be epic. Me saying "I don't want plastic for my child" does very little to stop this but it salves my guilty conscience for every plastic bottle I've ever brought.

The other issue I have is that I don't want Jess turned into a consumer so young. I have this idealistic view that she should be creative and use her imagination for play rather than just have a big pile of the latest toys. I want her to experience the true joy of getting a new toy as an occasional treat and along side that goes the disappointment of not having everything you want when you want it. It's a bitter pill to swallow for children, I remember regularly being upset that my mother wouldn't capitulate every time I said "I want that" but now I'm damned glad she stood by her principles as it makes getting new things so much more pleasurable!

This year I decided to set up a just giving account so anyone who wants to get Jess a present could donate to FSID in her name. I decided on the Foundation for the Study of Infant Death to remind myself how lucky I am to have a happy healthy child and that I should never take anything for granted.

I was all keyed up to ask people to donate but actually wording that this was what I wanted seemed incredibly difficult. I talked to a few people about it who agreed that it was lovely idea but it would be so hard to do it without offending people. What finally changed my mind was realising (and things like this are a huge learning curve for me) that however much I may joke that Jess is my mini me, she's not. She is an individual, albeit a tiny and dependent one and very likely completely unaware of all her mothers' hand wringing over this issue but I cannot really control how people what to interact with her and although she is my daughter her extended family and our friends have some ownership over her as well and who am I to deny if they want to demonstrate what they feel for her by choosing and buying her a present? I should be (and I am) incredibly grateful and touched that people care enough about Jess to want to treat her.

My next lesson to learn is to stop over thinking things! And to wish everyone a very happy Christmas and new year. My new years resolution will be to not neglect this page so much!

And I am delighted that I managed to write a blog post with only having to stop to clear up one very squidgy nappy (damned kiwis) and kiss one bumped head which appears to be rapidly turning into a black eye.....

Potato, carrot and cheese cakes.

These are yummy and great food for baby led weaning. Or as finger foods if you're not BLW. I have to be honest and say Jess didn't get too many of the first batch but I had to make sure they were ok!

Boil up some carrots and potatoes, when soft drain and mash them, add grated cheese and mix in well, then mix in flour until the mixture is the right consistancy to roll into little balls and hold together.

Roll into little balls and fry in a little olive oil squishing them down in the pan to make discs.

Obviously you can add pretty much anything to these, I'm going to try them with parsnip next time! They are also good cold and can be heated up in a dry frying pan if you want them hot again later.



I do need to credit my beloved domestic goddess of a sister for this one, she's really rather good!