Little Women

An article about an Indian politician who said "sometimes rape is right" was posted into my facebook timeline today.  It's the latest in a long line of stories about rape and misogyny from this part of the world, indeed just after reading it I saw this in the Guardian about a woman who was gang raped by the Police after she refused to pay the bribe for her husband's release.

There are lots of quotes in both articles from politicians, mainly along the lines of "boys will be boys", it's a private issue etc etc.  It's the view from the Prime Minister; Narendra Modi that really said a lot though: Politicians need to work together to protect women.

And that's the thing, the most positive thing that can be said over all this is that women need to be protected.  I am talking about the issue in India but this situation is world wide.  To avoid rape or violence women need to be protected, they need to follow certain rules, behave a certain way.  If they do experience sexual violence (as so many women have) then they must have stepped outside the rules laid down by society and it is therefore their own fault.

I don't want to be protected.  I don't want my daughters to be protected.  I don't want any woman to need protection.  I want us to be able to inhabit this world without fear, as equals with fellow members of the human race.  For this to happen it isn't women's behaviour that needs to change and we don't need to be wrapped in bubble wrap, it's men who need to change.  

This poster from Rape Crisis in Scotland has been seen by everyone but it's so good because it really gets it.

The only people who can stop rape, sexual violence and misogyny happening are men, women shouldn't be tucked away so boys can be boys with impunity, men should be held accountable for their behaviour.

This is why we should challenge rape culture where we see it, we should question our believes and those of people around us and we should start treating women as equal members of the human race, not as delicate flowers in need of protection or dirty whores who deserved it.

Tiny Activist

My friend described my eldest as her "Favourite Little Activist" recently which was very lovely!  It is true that she is dragged out on a fair few marches and protests and probably would rather not be there often enough but we try to explain why we do these things and when she's older maybe she'll be pleased that she did.  Anyway, I decided to put together a post about what my little activist has done!

Occupy London, Autumn 2011

She went to this with just her Dad but apparently really enjoyed it, probably because it didn't involve any marching and there was lots to see!  Also produced one of my favourite photos of her at a protest....

Love this one!  Many Small People.

Welcome to Occupy

Occupy London set up camp outside St Paul's cathedral to protest against the lack of affordable housing in the UK, social injustice and corporate greed.  They were there from October 2011 til June 2012.

Public Sector Strike, November 2011

This one was with both of us, I carried her much of the way and she was getting a little heavy by this point!

Sleeping through Ken Livingstone's speech.

Found this on Flickr, the woman who took it called it "United" which I thought was rather sweet!

This march was for the TUC's general strike protesting against pension changes for public sector workers.  Great atmosphere as far as I can remember.

Anti Austerity March, October 2012

This was a great march, we hung out with the Unison crowd from Meanderingfather's work.  Didn't stay for Ed Miliband's speech though, went to the pub with the union lot.  I was around 3 months pregnant with Lauren and this march was also the last time I carried Jess in the sling.  She ate an apple and went to sleep snuggled up on my back.  A small detail I will always remember.

Train home with her beloved NO CUTS sign.

The anti austerity march was protesting against the governments stringent austerity measures.

Save Lewisham Hospital march, November 2012 

15,000 people marched through Lewisham and finished in Ladywell fields outside the hospital.  Fantastic and huge community event despite the rain.  I remember one of the train drivers tooting as they went past on their way to Ladywell station.  Don't think I got any photos, probably because the weather was so horrible!  Met up with my brother and sister in law so escaped from the weather to their house afterwards.

The save Lewisham hospital campaign was set up after the Health Minister Jeremy Hunt decided in his infinite wisdom to shut down some essential parts of Lewisham hospital to help neighbouring trusts who were failing.  It would have set a dangerous precedent with regards to the government being able to shut down any hospital they felt like.  At the time of writing the hospital was generally winning and more info can be found here.

Save Lewisham Hospital march, January 2013

Another nice local march, saw some of our new friends and really felt like part of the community, however I was quite heavily pregnant with sore hips so was struggling towards the end.

 For some reason not a huge fan of being carried on shoulders at this point!

Gay Pride, 2013 

This was one I took Jess and Lauren (newest little activist) to with my work colleagues from 56 Dean St, it was a great place to work and felt a bit like I was part of the vibrant gay community in Soho.  Jess really enjoyed this one, lots of people were dressed up and she had a blast messing around with my friends from work.  Lauren was only a few months old and tucked up in the sling.  We were filmed by ITV news where I came out with the totally hackneyed phrase "it's a great family event", would have been nice to say something more original!  Lovely sunny day and we went for drinks in the big purple cow on South Bank afterwards.

The banner and being carried by the indomitable Jenna.

Know your status!!

Very taken with the feather boa.

Gay pride is held every year to celebrate the gay community.  It has a rich history which you can read about here.

RCN What if....? Campaign, June 2014

Gathering outside Lewisham hospital as part of nationwide protests.  Slightly disappointing as not many people turned up but at least it was a nice sunny day and the girls seemed to enjoy it!  Followed by going round to a friends house to enjoy the sun in their beautiful garden.

Newest activist props herself up.

"My Mum deserves a payrise"

Tasty unison sign.

This protest was part of a nationwide event protesting the governments decision not to award a recommended 1% across the board payrise for NHS nursing staff.

So there they are!  Hopefully many more to come for both of my girls.

Letter To A Friend

To my lovely friend,

You complemented me on how well behaved my children are today, ooh, if only you knew! But thankyou, actually they aren't too bad and like any mother I take immense pride in them so comments like this always make my heart swell with pride!

You are currently in the family way yourself and asked me if there was anything I did in particular as you had been reading some books. I do seem to have some weird compulsion for giving people advice and I have been thinking all afternoon about what would be the best piece of advice I could give and I think it's this:

To be the best parent you can just follow your instincts.

Read as many or few books as you like, research all or no parenting styles, talk to as many people as you can about what works for them then cherry pick the bits you like. When your have your children the best expert for them will be you. No one else has the experience you have of being you and parenting your children. It can feel a bit like you have no idea what you're doing but you'll all be learning together. For what it's worth, after Meanderingdaughter1 was born I thought I had this parenting thing down pat. Total pro. Then Meanderingdaughter2 came along and proved me otherwise.  I've spent the last 11 months feeling like I'm winging it. That's because each child is different and there is no best way of parenting.

It's likely that you'll often feel that you shouldn't be doing what you're doing because it goes against what you may have read or heard but if it feels right to you then I wouldn't worry.  You may well hear the phrase 'building a rod for your own back' bandied about but frankly if you don't want a back rod then you shouldn't have gotten pregnant!

So in answer to your question, I would say that in our family we are broadly attachment parenting orientated but I haven't read in depth about attachment parenting so couldn't accurately describe it to you. What I do know is that we have a fairly unhealthy amount of bribery, shouting, swearing, sweetie eating and television watching going on in our house which all piles on more of that parenting guilt but which really shouldn't cos no one is perfect and the girls are pretty much ok!

Also, there is a lot of baby equipment out there. You probably don't need 99% of it but something you swear by will be something others will swear off! You should use what suits you. For me I couldn't live without my sling(s). Purely because I like to be able to strap grumpy babies onto my back and crack on with whatever I'm doing. Mainly baking cakes. But I know that for many a sling is just a large bit of pointless material!

So what I am really trying to say is, the best person to listen to is yourself. You'll work it all out and you'll be great.

Good luck and much love xxx

Breasts, boobs and shaming.

If I spend five minutes on facebook these days I'll usually come across a thread about breastfeeding.  The comments on these threads are boringly predictable ranging from support of those who breastfeed, to suggesting that it's all good but woman should cover up, feed in the toilet, only breastfeed at home, are breastfeeding for attention and all the way down to the trolls who call woman who breastfeed dirty sluts.  I tend to think anyone who takes the time to call someone they don't know a dirty slut probably isn't doing it because she's breastfeeding, he's doing it because she's a woman so that can be discounted.  

One view that crops up with quite a regularity is the idea that woman breastfeeding is OK because it's wholesome and good and besides breastfeeders show off less flesh than your typical young woman out on the town of an evening, dressed up like a whore, which is frankly more offensive to my delicate sensibilities than angelic me feeding my child.

I used to let this point of view wash over me, didn't really think about it much and after all, it is such a prevalent opinion if you spend any time on parent's forums that it kind of seemed like the norm.  Recently however it has really got my goat.  Why is it that women are so keen to judge each other?  There is really no need to defend your decision to breastfeed so why is it that woman so frequently do try to defend it by pointing at another woman and saying "I'm not a slut, she's a slut, look at her"?  Given the quantity of men willing to call woman sluts and whores on a public forum why do other woman feel the need to stick the boot in too?

What this boils down to it woman's choice and the society we live in that blames woman's choices for what happens to them.

Women have the right to breastfeed or not, to wear clothes that cover them head to toe or cover very little, they have the right to work in the sex industry or anywhere else that takes their fancy and no one has the right to dictate to them what they should or shouldn't do.  It would be nice to see woman treating each other with a little respect and that could start with a little thing like not saying "I'm not being offensive, she is, that's offensive, not me".  Come on, up the sisterhood!

When it comes to breastfeeding itself, it is another one of those areas (like sleep) where my god parents go off on one!  Again, I suspect a lot of it is to justify our own choices (which we shouldn't need to) but the constant grinching over breastfed or bottlefed is getting a little tired.  I will be the first person to hold her hands up and say I am massively pro breastfeeding.  Anyone who knows me or has read this blog probably knows that.  I was determined to breastfeed and I think I would have felt like a failure had I not.  Meanderingdaughter1 fed for about 16 months and Meanderingdaughter2 is still going strong at 10 months. I am proud of this and I would always encourage women to breastfeed.  However I don't think women should be forced into it.  They shouldn't be made to feel like failures if they stop or like the devil incarnate if they decide not to do it at all.  They shouldn't be made to feel like attention seekers if they breastfeed in public or if they breastfeed over a certain age.  They shouldn't be abused if they are bottle feeding or told they are damaging their child.

The only things, in my mind, that are wrong with feeding your child is if you want to feed in a certain way and feel that you can't due to pressure or lack of proper support.  This should always be about the choice of the mother and society has no place to blame or shame women for what they choose to do.

Sleeping. Again.

Once again it has been a long time since I wrote a blog post, Meanderingdaugher2 is here and has been for 10 months, Meanderingdaughter1 has recently had her fourth birthday and is definitely no longer a baby or a toddler but a small person with a personality all of her very own.  It is fun having my two girls, I am achingly proud of them both and love them completely.  It's also exhausting and frustrating but show me a parent who doesn't say that!  

I have come to realise that Meanderingdaughter1 was a great sleeper and if I every complained about her then I apologise, I was wrong and a fool.  Meanderingdaughter2 has shown me the light in this respect.  In the last 10 months I have had one complete nights sleep.  Sometimes it's great and she only wakes up two or three times and goes back to sleep quickly, other times she refuses to sleep in her cot and spends the night kicking and crying in our bed, feeding six times or more although to be honest I kind of lose count after a while.  It's always worse after we've been away and she is unsettled.

I think what makes this worse is the guilt and uncertainty that goes alongside it.  She is what some may call very well attached and what others might call clingy.  She wants her Mummy, and will often scream this need to the rafters.  Now she crawls I have a little shadow around the flat and if I stand still she crawls up to my legs and headbutts me 'til I pick her up.  I keep reminding myself to appreciate it, it won't always be like this and if I'm honest it does feel so very good to see that little face light up when I walk in the room.  

I have come to realise that however you decide to parent your children (if we do actually decide and don't just fall into whatever is easiest), what we all have in common is someone making us feel that we are doing it wrong and for me, right now, it's my approach to the sleep.  I know the sleep deprivation is probably making me over sensitive but I often feel weak for giving in and feeding her in the night, I know it's not going to cause problems in the long run but it's that middle run.  Am I making it harder for her to sleep through by giving her what she wants?  Taking the easy option for both of us?  I was recently told by a mother of three that at three months her children are put in their own room and left to cry.  If she knows they are clean, fed and safe then that's it.  Apparently after a couple of nights they sleep through like angels.  I'm not going to say this approach is wrong, if it works for her then I am delighted for her.  

My issue is that I have seen Meanderingdaughter2's face crumble when I walk away, I have heard her scream when she thinks I am not coming and I have held her while she sobs herself to sleep after I have turned up.  I have never left her to cry herself to sleep because I do strongly believe that to do so would fracture that bond we have.  It wouldn't break it, she'd still love me in that primal way that babies do but it would teach her the meaning of rejection at a young age in a very harsh way and I am not prepared to do that.  So it goes on, I will continue to wake with her in the night and I will continue to feed her when she does wake to get her back to sleep quickly and with no stress.  One day she will sleep through and this will seem like a distant dream / nightmare. 

I would never dream of telling anyone who gets their children to sleep the other way is wrong or cruel, it's just not how I want to do it and you have to do what works for you.  What I would like is for others to stop telling me to let her cry it out, I may be building a rod for my own back but you start building that rod the day you start trying to conceive.  It's called being a parent, it's not easy and it is exhausting but it is worth it and it is your choice how you decide to go about it.

Body Hair

I think I had a plan to move this blog back into the realms of parenting but unfortunately I want to write about something non parenting that's been bothering me for a while so sorry about that!

The thing that has triggered today's rant was posted into my facebook timeline by a group I follow called Woman Against Non-Essential Grooming (WANG for short- fab!).  The link in question is this one from a website called Girls Talkin Smack which seems to be one of those lovely websites where woman go in for the patriarchy big time and start bashing each other over the head with perceived short falls  This post in particular was a gallery of shame of celebs who hadn't been quite so diligent in their hair removal as they should have been.  Ew, it's unsanitary, etc etc.

The things I noticed in the post were that there was very little hair on show so apparently it takes only tiny amounts to be unsanitary and for many of the photos it didn't appear to be hair but natural skin discolouration (which may be caused by constantly removing hair) so not only can you have no hair but you must have no sign that hair was ever there.  Great stuff.

The thing is that this view isn't limited to some crappy website half buried on the internet, it's a view that is so prevalent that even if you want to stop thinking like that it's hard to do so.  The internet and magazines are peppered with the circle of shame giving us permission to point at someone showing evidence that they are human and be disgusted by it.

For years I religiously shaved my legs and armpits, despite the cycle of stubble- shave- lovely silky smooth skin- appallingly itchy skin- scratching my legs to ribbons- stubble etc etc.  I decided enough was enough a few years ago when a shaving rash under my arms was made a million times worse from cycling in the summer.  I know, I sweat too, grim.  The pain was just horrible and for what?  So I stopped, then I stopped shaving my legs.  And I hated the way it looked and felt, it seemed unhygienic and looked "unsightly" however much I told myself that these views had just been pummelled into me from a young age by the society I live in.  But not having to deal with all the itching and pain was such a breath of fresh air.  Now I shave my legs occasionally in the summer and the armpits even less and while I couldn't really give a monkeys about the hairy legs, I have to cautiously admit I quite like the armpit hair.  It looks nice and it feels liberating and to be honest is absolutely no ones business whether or not it is in existence at all.  But it took so bloody long for me to get over the ew factor even though it was my own body.

I now I come to what is probably my most shameful confession, I find writing this post a little embarrassing, admitting that I am a bit hairy is embarrassing.  And while I like my hairy armpits I very rarely wear clothes that expose them because I don't want it to be a thing, I don't want to be looked at and I don't want to swim against the tide and "make a point".  What I want is to have hairy armpits and no one bat an eyelid, I want to see other woman with hairy armpits at places other than the anarchist bookfair (there were a lot there and it was great!).  I don't want everyone to feel that they can't shave because that's not the point, a nice smooth bit of skin is also very attractive and if that is someone's choice then go for it.  I just don't want to feel like a freak for my choices.

I don't need to point out the obvious thing that hair on a woman is no less hygienic than hair on a man because anyone with half a brain can work that out, it is just a shame that it is so much part of our collective psyche that we subconsciously think that.

Maybe I can turn this back into being slightly about parenting...  I love the fact that my daughters don't give a crap that Mummy is hairy (one is admittedly only 8 weeks old) but I do hate the fact that one day they'll grow up and think I'm strange, that makes me very sad. I highly doubt I'll be parading the hairy pits around the school gate as there is no way I'd want them to be bullied for being the hairy lady's girls.  

Some days I wish I had more courage....

Imminent Arrival

Well, here we go again.  I'm nearly 36 weeks pregnant so the next addition to the household will be with us very shortly.  I won't go into details about this pregnancy, it's been much harder going than the last one and no one needs boring with my gripes.  

My feelings towards the whole thing have varied alarmingly from last time.  At times I am very excited about the whole new born thing and even the whole labour and birth thing.  I mentioned in a previous blog post how amazing I found birth last time and I want to feel that kick again, especially as number two is the final one so this will be the last time I'll experience all this.  At other times the idea of being woken up in the night fills me with dread, although I know that new born love feeling which means the baby can do pretty much anything and get away with it.  While I still love Jess more than anything else in the world, I live in dread of that padding of tiny feet in the night time, shortly followed by cold feet in the bed kicking you in the kidneys for the rest of the night.

The negative feelings that have plagued me this pregnancy have mostly revolved around Jess.  Like pretty much every parent under the sun I can't imagine loving a second child as much as I love her.  I'll burst surely?  My overwhelming love for her was like being hit by a train and despite having felt that I can't imagine it happening again.  My life now revolves around keeping this little person safe, happy and hopefully well adjusted.  It'll be knackering doing that with two won't it?

I'm also so scared that Jess will reject me and the new baby and then I'll have problems bonding with the new one and it'll all go to shit.  To prevent this I have tried to include Jess in things as much as possible.  She's been to every midwife appt and scan with me, she has one of the scan photos blu tacked next to her bed and she knows that the new baby is a girl and what she'll be called.  I encourage her to talk to the bump and we discuss what things will be like with the new baby around as much as possible.  At the moment she wants it to sleep in her bed so I have been gently trying to put her off that idea!

Child's sling courtesty of the very talented katiecelf

Jess is very verbal and I suspect I often think her understanding of things is better than it is, so my attempts to explain that the new baby will take up a lot of my time and energy generally generate a blank look and a change of subject to why Mummy is a silly bum bum.  Not to be deterred I have spoken to her lots about where the baby gets its food from and how it'll be born. One of my proudest Mummy moments was when we were walking through the hospital to the first scan and I told Jess to tell her Daddy how the baby would be born.  She shouted out "from your vagina" and my sexual heath nurse's heart swelled with pride!  She's also developed a sweet habit of sticking her soft toys up her top to be pregnant and then pulling them out either to push around in the toy buggy or to carry in her toy ring sling.  She calls herself a little mummy a lot and has developed a bit of an obsession with family relationships and having us pretend to be someone different.

There is a part of me that would love to have her at the birth but I know she'd get bored during labour and obviously as I can't guarantee everything will go smoothly I wouldn't attempt to have her involved.  If I was having a home birth I'd probably think differently on this.  

On the plus side one of the things I am most looking forward to is seeing her becoming a big sister, I obviously hope that she enjoys it and everything will go swimmingly...  But one thing I do know is that she can be a bossy little so and so.  I suspect she'll love having an even littler girl to shepard about.

At the end of the day you can never really predict how things are going to be and like most parenting issues it'll be a case of taking each day as it comes and seeing how we get on.  I'd like to know preparations others made and how they found the second (or subsequent) babies arrival.  Any tips gratefully received!!!